ebrietas_daughterofcosmos | Recent Entries

Well hello,

I know it has been a while, but don't worry, I did not forget about this place. I just have not had the energy to write at the right moment. A lot of the time I wanted to come here and scream about how bad my classmates are, or how bad my feelings were on past posts, but I never had those emotions when I was available and ready to actually write about it.

But now, I guess I am not really feeling what I am going to write about. I think I am repressing my feelings right now.
However, I do think I ruined my life. I do not think that I am going to succeed and achieve the goals I have set for myself. I do not know what I was thinking when I moved to Korea and assumed that finishing my major, getting a masters, and somehow along the way learn Korean and get a job, was gonna be the right pathway to become a politician, or have a successful career.

Today I went to have sex with another guy. He is 33 years old, ten years older than me, so I was not surprised when I arrived at his neighborhood and I saw the giant buildings with apartments I will never afford. But it did hit me, when he told me he was a home owner, and I got to see how nice his place is (even though his faucet is not made of gold). He has things that I will never have. I will never be capable of climbing the social ladder and get to a similar point to him. I will always look outlandish in a place like that. I chose the wrong career to live in a place as racist as Korea; and I cannot go back home. If I do not end it myself the shame will.

Similarly, the sex made me feel awful. It wasn't bad, we had fun, besides some small issues. But he said he only wanted sex, which is totally fine, as he was upfront about it and I agreed in advance. But it did make me question what people think of me. At the very best, I am a piece of meat who is not as great as sex as I would like to. And that is ignoring the fact that my hair is a mess, my body is disgusting at the moment, and my ass has not appeared (guess who hasn't been consistent at the gym).
This guy told me that he was looking for a friends with benefits, and maybe he will get a long term partner when he feels a connection. I understand that I will never be that guy, even if we talk a lot, have things in common, and have good sex, because he is older than me. He is at a different point of his life, buying properties and whatnot, whilst I am trying to learn Korean. That is okay. And yet, as older adults like him do not want me, students of my age don't give a shit about me either. They don't even want to have sex with me (I think, not my classmates anyway). Despite my dick, which is not something I am ashamed of, and how intelligent I am, there is clearly something wrong with me because nobody wants me in a romantic way, not even as friends. The few friends I have I got through sheer dumb luck, and I do not know how to get more, even though I have tried. So far, I have recruited a large amount of acquaintances, pathetic.

I feel like I am drifting. Classes are not fun anymore, I am constantly tired, I am not improving at anything, my social life is in embarrassingly non-existing, and my future does not promise any improvement. It is Christmas night, and I am writing this on my room, alone, while drinking (I have a lot of alcohol around because I organized a picnic for my student group, and SOMEONE has to drink it or something, I am tired of having it around. I am not throwing it away either, it feels like such a waste of money).

I should have killed myself when I had the strength to do it.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Friends that Break your Heart, James Blake

Well hello, you beautiful people.

I've been meaning to journal again, but I don't think I was in the right mental space to do so, as for a long time I found myself with nothing to say, despite the somewhat eventful summer I had.
However, before I continue, I must excuse myself, as I am a little drunk, just tipsy. Korea has this magic drink called "soju"; it is incredibly strong, tastes like ass (deadass like ethanol) but gets you drunk in no time. Three bottles and I am blacking out; five and I am dead. 10/10. I have had some bottles in my refrigerator for quite some time, maybe almost 9 months, so I decided to drink one. Good idea I suppose, as I am trying to fix my sleep schedule and being drunk + one of my magical sleeping pills is gonna get me fast asleep in no time.

I think it is funny that I am excusing myself, (I told you guys I am drunk because I might make a grammatical mistake and not realize), as if anyone is going to read this. I am sure there is a community still using this. I hope so. We have truly lost the vibe and energy early social media had, so I hope some people are keeping up with their own blogs and somewhat hidden profiles, having small yet close followings; being eearnest on their posts, without worrying that millions can possibly see their posts. (I did not experience early social media, but I have watched youtube videos about Snapewives and Ms. Scribe so its like I was there. But at the end of the day, no one is reading this.

Last time we talked I was being stupid. I stand by what I said. It feels like I have to learn Korean by osmosis, but instead of crying about it like a little bitch, I should have accepted my reality and start trying to soak up as much of the language as I could. After I finished mhy midterms and I wrote here I did that, and I succeeded. Funnily enough, I got the exam same grade in my final exam as in my midterm, but I felt like there was less randomness in my answers, as I understood way more.

I passed to level 3, thanks to doing very well in an interview, but I am still lacking on my listening skills a little bit. Thankfully, I have an entire semester to practice on my own and be ready for level 3 like I've never struggled once in my life.

During the few weeks I had to rest, I decided to not practice and just focus on playing video games, like the nerd I am. I had fun. I have so much fun by myself, playing video games, reading my sci-fi or horror novels. Unfortunately, I had this one *friend* who kept ruining things for me. He is not actually my friend, but he was at some point a romantic interest of mine. He is Chinese, can´t properly speak English, and is not even that cute. We went on a couple dates but I didn´t feel anything brewing so we just became friends. Turns out, though, that he really wished we became serious and still hopes to this day. He has told me, literally 24 hours ago, that he is obsessed with me.

It is exhausting to be the center of attention, honestly. He expects me to talk to him all the time. (he has issues, so he can´t be alone without feeling almost suicidal. Anywhere else that might be a red flag but he is Chinese so I kind of understand, there is a lot more emphasis on community over there) I have been clear that I do not like him the way he likes me, yet here we are. I should have stopped talking to him a while ago, but he is not that ugly, and I want to have sex sometimes, so I´ve kept contact with him. Moreover, he got into my university to study Spanish, so now he might be around, so I cannot just block him or something.

Such a shame, isn´t it? If only the men I liked were obsessed with me like this guy. But no. It is always the ones you do not like that pursue you. That´s the fate of love I suppose: always yearning for what you cannot get.

On other news, I stopped going to the gym like the pig I am, so I am a few kilograms fatter. But that is going to change. Now, every day I will go to the gym in the morning before my classes, and have a healthier lifestyle. Today was a success! Hopefully I can keep it up until forever. I do not have classes in the morning so I am lucky to get to sleep until 8:30, take my time in the morning, and go the gym when I have energy (instead of doing it afterwards, which was either horrible or I just didn´t do it because I was tired).

I am looking forward to this semester. It seems promoting for my Korean, my health, and my mental stability. Despite everything, I love life, even though I know I shouldn´t. Gaza is still burning, and the same thing is happening in West Bank now. The genocide never stops. And I am forced to watch Americans discuss their elections like voting for spring queen for prom... Disgusting vile creatures they are, debating over their own comfort, whilst millions of lives are assassinated under their watch. They should suffer what Palestinians have gone through.

Unfortunately, praying on the downfall of others, though cathartic, is not a real solution, so we remain powerless. Even Israelis are protesting their government now. Maybe Palestine will get to be free soon. If not, based on how little I could do for them, I feel like I should die too, I feel worthless if I cannot help those who truly need my help. I am a failure. A hack. Ready to debate on twitter, but powerless to change the international policies of my country. May my body be more useful than my sober actions ever were...

This journal entry is for Palestine. I am sorry. You did not deserve this. You guys were victims, ignored by the entire world. We should have done better to help you, and we failed. I am sorry. You guys believe in god more than I am, so I hope you guys can get some reassurance from the divine, but i want them to know that their fight is in me. And we will not forget you, no matter what happens. I am sorry.

From the river to the see, Palestine should be free.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: TV - Bellie Eilish

Well hello!

I hope y'all have been doing great. I haven't. Honestly I didn't expect to feel the need of writing something down (as opposed to kill my neighbor) so soon. But this exam season has somewhat broke me in ways I have never felt before.

I am taking language courses in this god forsaken, neoliberal, hell hole which I decided was the place I wanted to spend the rest of my pathetic little life. And it is making me feel degrees of frustration I never had to deal with before. For the most part, I suppose, the writing and reading parts of my evaluation went fine, even if I didn't prepare properly for them. I slacked off a little, not gonna lie. But then the listening exam came and I, naturally, didn't do well. I am sure I failed. However I do not know exactly what to do to *not* do that.

My teachers love to be willfully obtuse regarding this. The audios in the class are quite fast and my teachers, too, speak to me like I am fluent, native, and I've had this conversation multiple times before. When, in reality, I can barely understand one or two words for every 6 monologues each class. I genuinely do not understand how on earth they can think that it is appropriate to speak in that way and expect me, a BASIC LEVEL student, to understand shit. Most of the time I just have to nod and pray to god that they leave me alone because I cannot stand the way they look at me.

Deadass, they speak in tongues, five sentences away from summoning Beelzebub, and look at me confused when I have no idea of how to respond or when I don't understand. If they have to repeat themselves, of course, they go even faster, because why would they even attempt to be TEACHERS and speak at a reasonable speed for unexperienced classmates. They don't speak english, so whenever you have questions or issues with a specific topic or anything, they just look for other esoteric vocabulary (never formally taught in class) to explain themselves, leaving you just as confused as before, except now you also feel stupid for even asking. Similarly, when you make certain mistakes because there are nuances in the language that cannot be translated directly into english or are vibes-based (like how certain idioms work in english depending of the context), they tell you you're wrong but, to avoid making mistakes like that in the future, you should start thinking in Korean.

Yeah bitch thanks why didn't I think of that before. If it was so fucking easy to just think in korean, I would not be taking this shitty class. I would be out there, being korean, eating kimchi and accusing my girlfriend of cheating on me because she helped a male friend separate some leaves from each other whilst eating bulgogi (I rather not explain this).

Regarding issues with listening, they also nonchalantly tell you to just watch K-dramas and listen to K-pop. Gee, thanks. Why didn't I think of that before. I am not going to pretend that watching Korean content is not beneficial in some way, but it is frankly insulting to pretend that that is how I am supposed to get used to the ridiculous speed in which koreans speak. If being in class is not particularly helpful and I am supposed to learn through osmosis by sitting on my ass watching boring and cliché melodramas, then why on earth am I paying exorbitant amounts of dollars to be in class for 4 hours every day.

I am not a native English speaker; I got to this level of fluency through hard work and GOOD TEACHERS who knew how to help me develop the refined hearing necessary to be able to understand the language. I genuinely do not understand why is it so controversial to expect this teachers to do the same? Who exactly is learning a language by getting thrown head first into the deep end and being expected to crawl their way up? Many, I'm sure, but over the course of many months or years. Not in a very expensive course of approximately 8 weeks. My major issue regarding this "just watch TV, dumbass, lmao" attitude, is that teachers ain't doing shit. I can find similar material from different books for free online. I can read them, study new grammar, learn how to write and read on my own and achieve a modest level of competency for free. The key thing is that I cannot realistically be fluent speaking and listening wise on my own. I require practice amongst teachers who know how to help me and classmates who are as dumb as me. So, the main reason why I'm paying for this shitty class is precisely the one subject that is being neglected by the institution, and the one that I am expected to develop on my own. The fuck.

I get that to some degree I have to study on my own time if I want to get better. The class time itself is not enough. However, if I am expected to sit down and watch TV all day to be able to understand the teacher, then why on earth is the class 4 hours long (in the middle of the fucking day, mind you) and so expensive? If I am supposed to study 12 hours extra every day on my own then make the classes online, 2 hours long, and just give me ridiculous amounts of homework.

The listening exam was yesterday. Today I had an interview where I am expected to be able to hold a conversation with the teacher. Last time I did this, back when I was in a lower level, the conversation went fine because we mostly talked about coffee, which I love. But this time was a completely different story. First of all, due to a bunch of different shit I had a terrible night. Not only I have issues sleeping that I do not know how to solve (doctors don't want to give me narcotics), but it gets obnoxiously hot at night, so I felt dirty and wet, and there was noise outside, and my ASMR wasn't working, and I went to sleep later than I should've because I had a very long and important meeting, so I arrived at 11:30 pm to my room, and the world was, clearly, falling apart.

So I was feeling like trash, dead inside, by the time I got to the stupid interview. Then the very first question was so fucking weird I still do not know what the teacher asked me. Instead of asking me what I did yesterday, or what kind of fruits I like or whatever, I think she asked me about the difference between my current classmates and my previous ones. It did not go well. She was berating me because I was not using the grammar I had to use whilst getting pissy because I was not answering her question. Of course I was struggling, I had no idea what was going on and was making up shit on the spot (which is hard because, ideally, I'd have to think backwards to make the sentences work in Korean) so I could not move on. Eventually we moved on when I explained that I was about to kill myself in front of her and I tried my best, despite having a terrifying mental block and being unable to understand her rapid blabber (for more context, Koreans do not enunciate shit, so it is hard to pick up the important words in a sentence because everything sounds the same).

I was caught off guard and I did poorly. And I feel like trash because of it. I don't like failing; I don't like to feel like I am stupid and insufficient. But that is the only way I feel in this shitty classes, and it seems like no one wants to help me. I am an academic, I am used to reason my way through a roadblock even if it is initially too complex for me to understand it. But I cannot do this now. I am expected to *just* get better. I don't like to rely on divine intervention to succeed, but it seems like that is how this fucking institution works. It is so frustrating to be so smart and resourceful for academic endeavors, and yet have nothing but kind thoughts and prayers to get through this.

I don't know how to end this. But at least I feel better (for now). I am still sad and disappointed, but at least I am no longer angry, frustrated, and on the verge of crying. I'm sure I will get heated about this again later. I just hope it does not happen at night because I'd like to sleep.
I just have to try my best and expect the worst from now on. I am fully aware that I will fail this course and I'll have to repeat it. So there is no point in crying about it anymore. The question is if I want to go back or not. The course is bullshit, but I do get *somewhat* better. Maybe in another university it would be better, but they are even more expensive and the format does not change that much so I am not sure what to do.

Time will tell I suppose. For now I just have to re-read this to somewhat remember where some of my criticisms were written, as I definitely will copy and paste parts of this in the teacher evaluation at the end of the course lol.

Current Mood: angry

Well hello, everybody!

This is my first post. How exciting!

I decided to post something more normal as my first entry instead of jumping face first into expressing my thoughts about the general state of the world an my desire to end my life. I didn't want to come off too strong, since I won't be posting regularly. Right now, I am just writing to get a feeling about how this might work and to get sleepy. It is somewhat late at night and I decided to start studying (despite having the entire weekend to do so) a few hours ago.

It i quite funny, isn't it? To waste your time getting a degree in an era where degrees are meaningless. To be fair, what I have to do is not difficult persé, but it is hard to have the energy to want to study or practice in the first place. I struggle to see the point of it most days. Objectively, I understand the importance of a higher education, and I recognize the privilege required to be able to study at all. However, when the world is being murdered right in front of your eyes and you are powerless to stop it, why would I care about my grades? I don't think the world is going to last the time that it will take me to get my masters, anyway, so why bother?

Some might say that if I feel this way I should get off my ass and do voluntary work, organizing protests, or domestic terrorist attacks, to at least attempt to save the planet. But unfortunately I don't have the privilege to do so. I am not American, so I cannot stop the country responsible (for the most part) for this mess. And in the country I reside I am a foreigner on a student visa, so I cannot blow up pipelines or SUVs. To some degree I know that I am guilty for the state of the world, even if I am not an important actor. For instance, I've seen the horrors Israelis are committing in Palestine, but I have not done much about it. Again, protesting is not something I can afford, since the US, again, is the one responsible. But I have not donated when possible either. I have just sit there, watching through my phone how Gaza has been turned into ruble. I don't have much disposable income to spare, but I know I could have donated something. There was a prisoner who worked 75 hours in America in order to donate 7 dollars, for god's sake — my apathy is inexcusable.

If I had a job, of course, I would donate without worrying about the trustworthiness of the links and whatnot. But I have the feeling that money is not the issue. I am scared, tired, and scared. Scared of actually doing something meaningful or being part of something greater than myself, even if it comes at a cost of my security, economic status, or livelihood. Similarly, I am scared of the meaninglessness of it all. I know that my actions matter, horrifyingly so, but at the end of the day I am just a little snowflake on a snow storm. Unfortunately, even when snowflakes get together to create an avalanche, as we have seen in multiple humongous protests all around the world, people still don't have the power to subdue the mountains they elected.

I am tired of writing this. I am tired of my own thoughts. I know I am talking out of my ass. I should do something, because even if it is small, it matters. Either to me or the people I am helping. I'll look into it later when I have the time, midterm season is coming so I gotta pick my battles.

I wish I was a child again. When did the moon stopped being made of cheese and all world problems stopped being solved with kindness and patience?
I wish the children in Palestine had the privilege to live a lie, dreaming for superpowers and building spaceships out of cardboard. I wish I could trade my life with theirs.