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ebrietas_daughterofcosmosWell hello!
I hope y'all have been doing great. I haven't. Honestly I didn't expect to feel the need of writing something down (as opposed to kill my neighbor) so soon. But this exam season has somewhat broke me in ways I have never felt before.
I am taking language courses in this god forsaken, neoliberal, hell hole which I decided was the place I wanted to spend the rest of my pathetic little life. And it is making me feel degrees of frustration I never had to deal with before. For the most part, I suppose, the writing and reading parts of my evaluation went fine, even if I didn't prepare properly for them. I slacked off a little, not gonna lie. But then the listening exam came and I, naturally, didn't do well. I am sure I failed. However I do not know exactly what to do to *not* do that.
My teachers love to be willfully obtuse regarding this. The audios in the class are quite fast and my teachers, too, speak to me like I am fluent, native, and I've had this conversation multiple times before. When, in reality, I can barely understand one or two words for every 6 monologues each class. I genuinely do not understand how on earth they can think that it is appropriate to speak in that way and expect me, a BASIC LEVEL student, to understand shit. Most of the time I just have to nod and pray to god that they leave me alone because I cannot stand the way they look at me.
Deadass, they speak in tongues, five sentences away from summoning Beelzebub, and look at me confused when I have no idea of how to respond or when I don't understand. If they have to repeat themselves, of course, they go even faster, because why would they even attempt to be TEACHERS and speak at a reasonable speed for unexperienced classmates. They don't speak english, so whenever you have questions or issues with a specific topic or anything, they just look for other esoteric vocabulary (never formally taught in class) to explain themselves, leaving you just as confused as before, except now you also feel stupid for even asking. Similarly, when you make certain mistakes because there are nuances in the language that cannot be translated directly into english or are vibes-based (like how certain idioms work in english depending of the context), they tell you you're wrong but, to avoid making mistakes like that in the future, you should start thinking in Korean.
Yeah bitch thanks why didn't I think of that before. If it was so fucking easy to just think in korean, I would not be taking this shitty class. I would be out there, being korean, eating kimchi and accusing my girlfriend of cheating on me because she helped a male friend separate some leaves from each other whilst eating bulgogi (I rather not explain this).
Regarding issues with listening, they also nonchalantly tell you to just watch K-dramas and listen to K-pop. Gee, thanks. Why didn't I think of that before. I am not going to pretend that watching Korean content is not beneficial in some way, but it is frankly insulting to pretend that that is how I am supposed to get used to the ridiculous speed in which koreans speak. If being in class is not particularly helpful and I am supposed to learn through osmosis by sitting on my ass watching boring and cliché melodramas, then why on earth am I paying exorbitant amounts of dollars to be in class for 4 hours every day.
I am not a native English speaker; I got to this level of fluency through hard work and GOOD TEACHERS who knew how to help me develop the refined hearing necessary to be able to understand the language. I genuinely do not understand why is it so controversial to expect this teachers to do the same? Who exactly is learning a language by getting thrown head first into the deep end and being expected to crawl their way up? Many, I'm sure, but over the course of many months or years. Not in a very expensive course of approximately 8 weeks. My major issue regarding this "just watch TV, dumbass, lmao" attitude, is that teachers ain't doing shit. I can find similar material from different books for free online. I can read them, study new grammar, learn how to write and read on my own and achieve a modest level of competency for free. The key thing is that I cannot realistically be fluent speaking and listening wise on my own. I require practice amongst teachers who know how to help me and classmates who are as dumb as me. So, the main reason why I'm paying for this shitty class is precisely the one subject that is being neglected by the institution, and the one that I am expected to develop on my own. The fuck.
I get that to some degree I have to study on my own time if I want to get better. The class time itself is not enough. However, if I am expected to sit down and watch TV all day to be able to understand the teacher, then why on earth is the class 4 hours long (in the middle of the fucking day, mind you) and so expensive? If I am supposed to study 12 hours extra every day on my own then make the classes online, 2 hours long, and just give me ridiculous amounts of homework.
The listening exam was yesterday. Today I had an interview where I am expected to be able to hold a conversation with the teacher. Last time I did this, back when I was in a lower level, the conversation went fine because we mostly talked about coffee, which I love. But this time was a completely different story. First of all, due to a bunch of different shit I had a terrible night. Not only I have issues sleeping that I do not know how to solve (doctors don't want to give me narcotics), but it gets obnoxiously hot at night, so I felt dirty and wet, and there was noise outside, and my ASMR wasn't working, and I went to sleep later than I should've because I had a very long and important meeting, so I arrived at 11:30 pm to my room, and the world was, clearly, falling apart.
So I was feeling like trash, dead inside, by the time I got to the stupid interview. Then the very first question was so fucking weird I still do not know what the teacher asked me. Instead of asking me what I did yesterday, or what kind of fruits I like or whatever, I think she asked me about the difference between my current classmates and my previous ones. It did not go well. She was berating me because I was not using the grammar I had to use whilst getting pissy because I was not answering her question. Of course I was struggling, I had no idea what was going on and was making up shit on the spot (which is hard because, ideally, I'd have to think backwards to make the sentences work in Korean) so I could not move on. Eventually we moved on when I explained that I was about to kill myself in front of her and I tried my best, despite having a terrifying mental block and being unable to understand her rapid blabber (for more context, Koreans do not enunciate shit, so it is hard to pick up the important words in a sentence because everything sounds the same).
I was caught off guard and I did poorly. And I feel like trash because of it. I don't like failing; I don't like to feel like I am stupid and insufficient. But that is the only way I feel in this shitty classes, and it seems like no one wants to help me. I am an academic, I am used to reason my way through a roadblock even if it is initially too complex for me to understand it. But I cannot do this now. I am expected to *just* get better. I don't like to rely on divine intervention to succeed, but it seems like that is how this fucking institution works. It is so frustrating to be so smart and resourceful for academic endeavors, and yet have nothing but kind thoughts and prayers to get through this.
I don't know how to end this. But at least I feel better (for now). I am still sad and disappointed, but at least I am no longer angry, frustrated, and on the verge of crying. I'm sure I will get heated about this again later. I just hope it does not happen at night because I'd like to sleep.
I just have to try my best and expect the worst from now on. I am fully aware that I will fail this course and I'll have to repeat it. So there is no point in crying about it anymore. The question is if I want to go back or not. The course is bullshit, but I do get *somewhat* better. Maybe in another university it would be better, but they are even more expensive and the format does not change that much so I am not sure what to do.
Time will tell I suppose. For now I just have to re-read this to somewhat remember where some of my criticisms were written, as I definitely will copy and paste parts of this in the teacher evaluation at the end of the course lol.
I hope y'all have been doing great. I haven't. Honestly I didn't expect to feel the need of writing something down (as opposed to kill my neighbor) so soon. But this exam season has somewhat broke me in ways I have never felt before.
I am taking language courses in this god forsaken, neoliberal, hell hole which I decided was the place I wanted to spend the rest of my pathetic little life. And it is making me feel degrees of frustration I never had to deal with before. For the most part, I suppose, the writing and reading parts of my evaluation went fine, even if I didn't prepare properly for them. I slacked off a little, not gonna lie. But then the listening exam came and I, naturally, didn't do well. I am sure I failed. However I do not know exactly what to do to *not* do that.
My teachers love to be willfully obtuse regarding this. The audios in the class are quite fast and my teachers, too, speak to me like I am fluent, native, and I've had this conversation multiple times before. When, in reality, I can barely understand one or two words for every 6 monologues each class. I genuinely do not understand how on earth they can think that it is appropriate to speak in that way and expect me, a BASIC LEVEL student, to understand shit. Most of the time I just have to nod and pray to god that they leave me alone because I cannot stand the way they look at me.
Deadass, they speak in tongues, five sentences away from summoning Beelzebub, and look at me confused when I have no idea of how to respond or when I don't understand. If they have to repeat themselves, of course, they go even faster, because why would they even attempt to be TEACHERS and speak at a reasonable speed for unexperienced classmates. They don't speak english, so whenever you have questions or issues with a specific topic or anything, they just look for other esoteric vocabulary (never formally taught in class) to explain themselves, leaving you just as confused as before, except now you also feel stupid for even asking. Similarly, when you make certain mistakes because there are nuances in the language that cannot be translated directly into english or are vibes-based (like how certain idioms work in english depending of the context), they tell you you're wrong but, to avoid making mistakes like that in the future, you should start thinking in Korean.
Yeah bitch thanks why didn't I think of that before. If it was so fucking easy to just think in korean, I would not be taking this shitty class. I would be out there, being korean, eating kimchi and accusing my girlfriend of cheating on me because she helped a male friend separate some leaves from each other whilst eating bulgogi (I rather not explain this).
Regarding issues with listening, they also nonchalantly tell you to just watch K-dramas and listen to K-pop. Gee, thanks. Why didn't I think of that before. I am not going to pretend that watching Korean content is not beneficial in some way, but it is frankly insulting to pretend that that is how I am supposed to get used to the ridiculous speed in which koreans speak. If being in class is not particularly helpful and I am supposed to learn through osmosis by sitting on my ass watching boring and cliché melodramas, then why on earth am I paying exorbitant amounts of dollars to be in class for 4 hours every day.
I am not a native English speaker; I got to this level of fluency through hard work and GOOD TEACHERS who knew how to help me develop the refined hearing necessary to be able to understand the language. I genuinely do not understand why is it so controversial to expect this teachers to do the same? Who exactly is learning a language by getting thrown head first into the deep end and being expected to crawl their way up? Many, I'm sure, but over the course of many months or years. Not in a very expensive course of approximately 8 weeks. My major issue regarding this "just watch TV, dumbass, lmao" attitude, is that teachers ain't doing shit. I can find similar material from different books for free online. I can read them, study new grammar, learn how to write and read on my own and achieve a modest level of competency for free. The key thing is that I cannot realistically be fluent speaking and listening wise on my own. I require practice amongst teachers who know how to help me and classmates who are as dumb as me. So, the main reason why I'm paying for this shitty class is precisely the one subject that is being neglected by the institution, and the one that I am expected to develop on my own. The fuck.
I get that to some degree I have to study on my own time if I want to get better. The class time itself is not enough. However, if I am expected to sit down and watch TV all day to be able to understand the teacher, then why on earth is the class 4 hours long (in the middle of the fucking day, mind you) and so expensive? If I am supposed to study 12 hours extra every day on my own then make the classes online, 2 hours long, and just give me ridiculous amounts of homework.
The listening exam was yesterday. Today I had an interview where I am expected to be able to hold a conversation with the teacher. Last time I did this, back when I was in a lower level, the conversation went fine because we mostly talked about coffee, which I love. But this time was a completely different story. First of all, due to a bunch of different shit I had a terrible night. Not only I have issues sleeping that I do not know how to solve (doctors don't want to give me narcotics), but it gets obnoxiously hot at night, so I felt dirty and wet, and there was noise outside, and my ASMR wasn't working, and I went to sleep later than I should've because I had a very long and important meeting, so I arrived at 11:30 pm to my room, and the world was, clearly, falling apart.
So I was feeling like trash, dead inside, by the time I got to the stupid interview. Then the very first question was so fucking weird I still do not know what the teacher asked me. Instead of asking me what I did yesterday, or what kind of fruits I like or whatever, I think she asked me about the difference between my current classmates and my previous ones. It did not go well. She was berating me because I was not using the grammar I had to use whilst getting pissy because I was not answering her question. Of course I was struggling, I had no idea what was going on and was making up shit on the spot (which is hard because, ideally, I'd have to think backwards to make the sentences work in Korean) so I could not move on. Eventually we moved on when I explained that I was about to kill myself in front of her and I tried my best, despite having a terrifying mental block and being unable to understand her rapid blabber (for more context, Koreans do not enunciate shit, so it is hard to pick up the important words in a sentence because everything sounds the same).
I was caught off guard and I did poorly. And I feel like trash because of it. I don't like failing; I don't like to feel like I am stupid and insufficient. But that is the only way I feel in this shitty classes, and it seems like no one wants to help me. I am an academic, I am used to reason my way through a roadblock even if it is initially too complex for me to understand it. But I cannot do this now. I am expected to *just* get better. I don't like to rely on divine intervention to succeed, but it seems like that is how this fucking institution works. It is so frustrating to be so smart and resourceful for academic endeavors, and yet have nothing but kind thoughts and prayers to get through this.
I don't know how to end this. But at least I feel better (for now). I am still sad and disappointed, but at least I am no longer angry, frustrated, and on the verge of crying. I'm sure I will get heated about this again later. I just hope it does not happen at night because I'd like to sleep.
I just have to try my best and expect the worst from now on. I am fully aware that I will fail this course and I'll have to repeat it. So there is no point in crying about it anymore. The question is if I want to go back or not. The course is bullshit, but I do get *somewhat* better. Maybe in another university it would be better, but they are even more expensive and the format does not change that much so I am not sure what to do.
Time will tell I suppose. For now I just have to re-read this to somewhat remember where some of my criticisms were written, as I definitely will copy and paste parts of this in the teacher evaluation at the end of the course lol.
