Hello, everybody
Jul. 8th, 2024 12:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ebrietas_daughterofcosmosWell hello, everybody!
This is my first post. How exciting!
I decided to post something more normal as my first entry instead of jumping face first into expressing my thoughts about the general state of the world an my desire to end my life. I didn't want to come off too strong, since I won't be posting regularly. Right now, I am just writing to get a feeling about how this might work and to get sleepy. It is somewhat late at night and I decided to start studying (despite having the entire weekend to do so) a few hours ago.
It i quite funny, isn't it? To waste your time getting a degree in an era where degrees are meaningless. To be fair, what I have to do is not difficult persé, but it is hard to have the energy to want to study or practice in the first place. I struggle to see the point of it most days. Objectively, I understand the importance of a higher education, and I recognize the privilege required to be able to study at all. However, when the world is being murdered right in front of your eyes and you are powerless to stop it, why would I care about my grades? I don't think the world is going to last the time that it will take me to get my masters, anyway, so why bother?
Some might say that if I feel this way I should get off my ass and do voluntary work, organizing protests, or domestic terrorist attacks, to at least attempt to save the planet. But unfortunately I don't have the privilege to do so. I am not American, so I cannot stop the country responsible (for the most part) for this mess. And in the country I reside I am a foreigner on a student visa, so I cannot blow up pipelines or SUVs. To some degree I know that I am guilty for the state of the world, even if I am not an important actor. For instance, I've seen the horrors Israelis are committing in Palestine, but I have not done much about it. Again, protesting is not something I can afford, since the US, again, is the one responsible. But I have not donated when possible either. I have just sit there, watching through my phone how Gaza has been turned into ruble. I don't have much disposable income to spare, but I know I could have donated something. There was a prisoner who worked 75 hours in America in order to donate 7 dollars, for god's sake — my apathy is inexcusable.
If I had a job, of course, I would donate without worrying about the trustworthiness of the links and whatnot. But I have the feeling that money is not the issue. I am scared, tired, and scared. Scared of actually doing something meaningful or being part of something greater than myself, even if it comes at a cost of my security, economic status, or livelihood. Similarly, I am scared of the meaninglessness of it all. I know that my actions matter, horrifyingly so, but at the end of the day I am just a little snowflake on a snow storm. Unfortunately, even when snowflakes get together to create an avalanche, as we have seen in multiple humongous protests all around the world, people still don't have the power to subdue the mountains they elected.
I am tired of writing this. I am tired of my own thoughts. I know I am talking out of my ass. I should do something, because even if it is small, it matters. Either to me or the people I am helping. I'll look into it later when I have the time, midterm season is coming so I gotta pick my battles.
I wish I was a child again. When did the moon stopped being made of cheese and all world problems stopped being solved with kindness and patience?
I wish the children in Palestine had the privilege to live a lie, dreaming for superpowers and building spaceships out of cardboard. I wish I could trade my life with theirs.
This is my first post. How exciting!
I decided to post something more normal as my first entry instead of jumping face first into expressing my thoughts about the general state of the world an my desire to end my life. I didn't want to come off too strong, since I won't be posting regularly. Right now, I am just writing to get a feeling about how this might work and to get sleepy. It is somewhat late at night and I decided to start studying (despite having the entire weekend to do so) a few hours ago.
It i quite funny, isn't it? To waste your time getting a degree in an era where degrees are meaningless. To be fair, what I have to do is not difficult persé, but it is hard to have the energy to want to study or practice in the first place. I struggle to see the point of it most days. Objectively, I understand the importance of a higher education, and I recognize the privilege required to be able to study at all. However, when the world is being murdered right in front of your eyes and you are powerless to stop it, why would I care about my grades? I don't think the world is going to last the time that it will take me to get my masters, anyway, so why bother?
Some might say that if I feel this way I should get off my ass and do voluntary work, organizing protests, or domestic terrorist attacks, to at least attempt to save the planet. But unfortunately I don't have the privilege to do so. I am not American, so I cannot stop the country responsible (for the most part) for this mess. And in the country I reside I am a foreigner on a student visa, so I cannot blow up pipelines or SUVs. To some degree I know that I am guilty for the state of the world, even if I am not an important actor. For instance, I've seen the horrors Israelis are committing in Palestine, but I have not done much about it. Again, protesting is not something I can afford, since the US, again, is the one responsible. But I have not donated when possible either. I have just sit there, watching through my phone how Gaza has been turned into ruble. I don't have much disposable income to spare, but I know I could have donated something. There was a prisoner who worked 75 hours in America in order to donate 7 dollars, for god's sake — my apathy is inexcusable.
If I had a job, of course, I would donate without worrying about the trustworthiness of the links and whatnot. But I have the feeling that money is not the issue. I am scared, tired, and scared. Scared of actually doing something meaningful or being part of something greater than myself, even if it comes at a cost of my security, economic status, or livelihood. Similarly, I am scared of the meaninglessness of it all. I know that my actions matter, horrifyingly so, but at the end of the day I am just a little snowflake on a snow storm. Unfortunately, even when snowflakes get together to create an avalanche, as we have seen in multiple humongous protests all around the world, people still don't have the power to subdue the mountains they elected.
I am tired of writing this. I am tired of my own thoughts. I know I am talking out of my ass. I should do something, because even if it is small, it matters. Either to me or the people I am helping. I'll look into it later when I have the time, midterm season is coming so I gotta pick my battles.
I wish I was a child again. When did the moon stopped being made of cheese and all world problems stopped being solved with kindness and patience?
I wish the children in Palestine had the privilege to live a lie, dreaming for superpowers and building spaceships out of cardboard. I wish I could trade my life with theirs.
